It seems as if I more often than not feel more feelings of guilt than fully enjoying the moment while I’m experiencing it. My natural tendency is to feel badly about the things I manage not to accomplish in a day rather than rejoice about the things I actually achieved.
For example I can be writing a letter or doodling at the art table and I’m thinking about the steps I’m not getting in or how I should be walking Max and why aren’t there more hours in a day? Stepping outside my many crazy thoughts, shouldn’t I be happy that I have time to doodle or write a letter? I realize my expectations are usually too big. I want to do it all and when I fall short I beat myself up about it. I miss the moments if I’m too worried about what I think I ought to be doing.
Recently I treated myself to these amazing french fries with gravy, cheese curds, shredded beef and pickled red onions. Oh they were so delicious and I finished my meal with a chocolate gelato pop. Truth be told I did overindulge. I think it would have been so nice to split the fries with a friend but I was alone and I just couldn’t stop eating even after I felt full. I think that was the biggest point. I ate after I felt so full, just kept eating. I never want to feel guilty about what I’m eating but I think it’s a really good idea to be mindful of how quickly I tend to eat without thinking or to stop when I begin to feel that satisfied feeling. I felt guilt when I was finished and that’s not what I want for myself.
I feel guilt when I fall asleep without taking off my makeup. I feel guilt when I want to make time for yoga but instead I scroll IG and watch stories or make stories. I have a friend who is so great with time blocking and she has made blocks of time to spend on social media. But what if I’m not a natural schedule maker? What if the idea of making a schedule feels overwhelming and makes me even more anxious? Heck, I feel stressed out when I pack for a trip. I can’t explain it but making schedules, writing lists or yes packing for a trip stresses me out.
I’m trying now that I’m half way to 100 to embrace who I was created to be. I wrote a post about it not too long ago. I think I spend too much time wondering why I’m not like so and so and why can’t I do that like so and so, rather than focusing on what I CAN DO and what I’m good at.
Besides setting time to write each day, I believe I will focus on enjoying the moments, loving the food I eat and the company I’m with. I mean how awful is it to pass on your mom’s famous lasagna because there are too many carbs??? That’s just silly.
I’m blessed with some amazing wise women in my life who open up with me and share their stories and it helps, it helps me to see things in a more bright light. Enjoy who YOU were MADE to be.
For me this means loving my spur of the moment decision making skill. Having fun making recipes without following specific directions, leaving my bed un-made so I can write a letter or go for a walk in the fresh air. It may also mean sitting on the phone with an old friend who needs to talk and absolutely not feeling guilt for not being with my own family when I know darn well I spend ample time with them other hours in the day. Drop that guilt habit, guilt cultivates feelings of inadequacy and sadness. There is no time for that in this “one wild and precious life” as Mary Oliver so beautifully wrote.