just try, that's all you have to do

I’m not exactly sure how to express how completely overjoyed I am to have been published in my favorite magazine.  Right before Christmas I had a goal to submit a written piece with photographs for Bella Grace Spring deadline.  I honestly went in expecting not to be selected, after all there must be hundreds of submissions from around the globe.  However I just did it anyways because how might I get published in my favorite magazine if I don’t even try.  I went in with the attitude of “If at first I don’t succeed try, try again” I also went in thinking of my kids, all three of them.  Wouldn’t it be a great example to show them what it’s like to go after a dream.  Yes, one of my dreams was to be published in a beautiful uplifting publication.

And so

I tried.

I wrote it all out, attached some images, took a deep breath, said a little prayer and hit the send button.

I had read that it may take a good long while to receive the news. So I quickly put it out of my mind, as if it had never happened. 

However

Less than 24 hours later, I received an email from the Editor-In-Chief, my article and images would be published in the spring publication of Bella Grace! I was so excited.  But I didn’t want to tell very many people because in the back of my mind I was still wondering if it would actually pan out.

When I got the mail this weekend I saw my free artist copy of Bella Grace!  And I’m elated. It’s just perfect the way it was laid out, just perfect.  I’m grateful and honored to be a part of a community of writers and artist for this spring addition of Bella Grace. I read on Bella Grace website that this publication will be on the stands by March 1st.

I’m happy I tried and that being said, if you might be thinking you want to try something you have been dreaming about.  I encourage you.  Just try. 

60/40

Lately I have been preparing food more from scratch but largely because the last two weeks I have eaten vegan with my first born cub and this will be week three.  I still eat meat and diary but only on the weekendS.  It’s like 60/40 right now but still I have noticed I get more greens in, more healthy produce because of this choice.  Funny though…I have gained weight so need to figure that one out.  It can’t possibly be the 40% weekend freedom I give myself…but maybe so. 

Sunday afternoon I was lost in Pinterest for a while and I found a truly simple tomato sauce.  It was shown with Pasta but we had planned to make homemade pizza Sunday night so I figured it may make a good pizza sauce.  It was only three ingredients and I made do with what we had.  So it’s not exactly the recipe and I did’n’t follow measurements but this is what went into our sauce. 

one can of whole stewed tomatoes

one can of diced Italian style tomatoes

two medium sized tomatoes from vine

half an onion (from mimi’s house) 

and a pretty large scoope of butter, maybe even close to half the cube

I let it come to a boil, then simmer for 45 minutes.  Then I put it in my blender and blended it smooth. 

Abbie ate a tiny bowl as if it were tomato soup one of her favorites.  She just kept raving about how wonderful it was.  Dylan thought it was mighty tasty too.  So basically a big, big hit and for sure will be incorporated into our meals here or there. 

Monday morning I had not prepared well for our vegan lunch so again I had to pull from what we had in the fridge and cupboard.  So this is what I came up with:

rainbow quinoa

red beans

kale

tomatoes

mushrooms

broccoli

fresh garlic

olive oil

sea salt and pepper

I sautéed the garlic, broccoli, kale and mushrooms in olive oil, rinsed the beans, cooked up the quinoa and mixed it all together.  I also packed up some raw almonds and threw in a avocado and lemon if we want to add it to this protein packed salad. 

Week 8/52 Mom with her girl

Week Eight and of course we have not given up, we had a boba date and Laynie helped out this week and was our photographer.  We enjoyed our boba and although we wanted to do something more creative, we thought a boba date would be a nice memory for 2016.  I feel really blessed living the the diverse community that we live in.  Our kids are able to enjoy all kinds of different ethnic foods and expand their palates.  They are open to so much because of where we live. They have also been able to experience different traditions and cultures other than our own with friends they have made in school. It’s a very good thing. 

This week is short and simple but some weeks are just like that.  We have about 10 days before we take off for the 8th grade DC trip where we will be visiting Mount Vernon, Arlington Cemetery and a night tour of the DC monuments for our week 10 mother and daughter portrait day.  Wishing you all a great week. 

JJ Heller was in Irvine!!!

Do you guys know about a singer song writer named JJ Heller? Well she has the most beautiful voice and she plays along side her husband David who plays the guitar all the while she sings AND plays the harmonica! Did I mention she is out of this world ADORABLE? 

I first discovered her around 2007/2008…give or take.  I was having a relaxing weekend at our family cabin and we always shop at the village.  The village had a really tiny Christian bookstore that I always liked to visit. Did I mention I have a tiny obsession with magazines.  Like really pretty magazines?  There was a magazine that caught my eye called Life Beautiful.  It was a Christian publication and based on the cover alone I had to get it.  As I fully enjoyed the issue of this newly discovered magazine, I also discovered they had music suggestions towards the back.  One such suggestion was J.J. Heller and so when I got back home and had access to the internet, I looked her up.  The very first song I heard was called GROW.  I fell instantly in love with it.  

If you have just a little more time, check this one out from her latest album. “this year”  You will see what I mean about ADORABLE.  

Okay so, a while back my Aunt and cousin whom I loving like to refer to as Moon Mama and Miss Moonspinner told me about a women’s event that JJ Heller would be performing at and it was relatively local.  Like 5 minutes or less from my mom’s house.  I invited my mom because I knew she would have a good time too.  And our fellow moon friend Miss Moondaisi also got to go who also is a super fan of JJ.  So you see we realized it had come FULL circle.  I introduce Miss Moonspinner to JJ via a handwritten letter, she then introduced JJ to her mama and Miss Moondaisi and it was Miss Moondaisi who discovered JJ would be in Irvine and let all of us know about it.  See full circle. SO AMAZING.

When we arrived I walked straight to the JJ Heller table, it was full of her C.D.’s and a gorgeous children’s book written by JJ and David, they make really great things together.  The book was titled “The Golden Feather”  HELLO!  The little tiny girl on front even had red hair and not only that, there was a unicorn pegasus inside the book.  I absolutely couldn’t pass it up.  I had to buy it on the spot.  Okay so besides coffee mugs and obsession for pretty magazines, I have a tiny obsession with children books…sigh and chairs.

After the event was over there was an opportunity to meet JJ and David but it was really, really crowded and I figured they would be inundated with people because there was indeed a sea of people.  I said, “nope, I don’t have to meet them, the line is long and the people are so many, let’s just go”  But the really great thing about mom’s are…they will give you the courage to do things one wouldn’t normally do.  My mom smiled and said “come on Tracie, go have them sign that book, you are here and you may really regret it if you don’t just do it now” She even moved me in that direction and placed me in line.  I love my mom, I really do. 

And let me just explain one thing here.  I had a long day.  A really long day.  I went to work and then did some things for the kids after work then drove 45 minutes to my mom’s and well, I didn’t do my hair (I since have had it cut by my other cousin and it turned out really adorable, if I must say so myself) and I didn’t retouch my make up and even if I did retouch my make up I would have cried it off during her concert.  Listening to her CD’s is one thing, seeing her in person is quite another.  So yeah, I had tears.  And my mom, she took these pictures of us three mega fans.  And if you know Miss Moondaisi the bunny ears are so totally something she would do to a “celebrity” upon meeting them and taking a photograph with them.  I call them celebrities but they are real people and we were awe struck with these real people and practically speechless and David tried to make us comfortable by asking questions we could barely answer because we were too busy grinning ear to ear.   But anyways, turns out the bunny ears were totally appropriate considering every single page in the book has a hidden bunny in the illustrations.  

This is really long but I hope I was able to maybe introduce you to someone you may not have previously known and if you do know her then you can probably agree that she and David are very amazing and their two little girls are mega adorable and her oldest read aloud this new children book on the big screen at the women’s event and one word.  MELT. 

loving the unlovable

Loving the unlovable.  I have started this and stopped and reworded and reworked my writing about five times already and all the while for a few weeks now pondered this phrase “how do I love the unlovable?”  You know what’s strange?  On a global scale this seems easier than it seems in my actual life with personal relationships.  Why is that? When I get confused about things, when I can't sleep, when I have questions, I write letters to God.  I open His word.  I pray.  So let's start there. 

 Dear God,

 How do I love someone who is unlovable?  What am I supposed to do here on earth with imperfection?  What can I do to handle tough situations that are filled with hurt and pain that can easily evolve into feelings of not liking the person who caused the pain which then equals the unlovable.

 I know you left us this big book full of instruction and knowledge and I also know we can interpret your life instruction book in many different ways.  I may see that love is the answer on paper but HOW I put it into action might make all the difference. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

 All I can say Lord, is I’m struggling and I NEED you and I do believe we were created with free will, imperfection and sin so we would need something far bigger than ourselves to navigate this life here on earth.  So I need you Lord.  I can’t do this alone.  I can’t love the unlovable without you.  I just can’t.

 What if the unlovable doesn’t want to love us back, do I still need to love them?  “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you …” (Luke 6:27). I have prayed for answers, I have opened the word and in writing this letter to you Lord, I have come to the conclusion when you say "love your enemies"...(the unlovable) I don't think you mean, let's hang out and have a relationship with them. I think this is where I get confused as a human being.  I equate love to having a relationship, hanging out being fully vested. 

Accepting the truth, letting go and still being able to love is what I can do. I can pray for them and I can be there for them in a time of need because this is what you do for people you love. Let go and love because hatred is a great time waster and we all know...time slips by quick.

After re-reading this, I know it may sound confusing.  Like a big struggle and that would be true.  It's like a human tug of war with God.  His way is clear but my human way wants to fight it.  His way is much harder and that is exactly why I can't do it without Him.  If it were left up to me, I would allow myself to be filled with animosity and it goes back to the great time waster.  God's got this. Not me. 

Please visit my friend Staci Lee in A Life Developing she has a heart for God. I have witnessed her love for God translate to people in a beautiful way. 

week 7/52 with my girl

This is week 7 and it happened to fall on Valentines Day.  Abbie was having so much fun hanging out with her friends in the neighborhood she only agreed to three shots in which all three she is blurry.  So this is it.  And wouldn’t it be nice to pose in front of her mattress that is sitting in the living room? (read that with sarcasm)  Yes her mattress is in the living room waiting to go back into storage.  We were sure to include the beautiful roses Rich got for me on Valentine’s day and Abbie tossed some petals in the air. Like I said, they all won’t be well planned portraits, some will be in our living room in front of a twin mattress with only three shots to choose from:)

Yep, this was our very, very weak attempt at a Valentine photo session.  

See you next week!  And Happy Valentine's Day.  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Don't forget the boys!!

I write a whole lot about the girl but we do have two boys as well.  The difference is, the boys are young men and because of that, they really prefer that we don't take their picture very much.  Exhibit A.

They are are just plain not around as much.  They have lives and the lives include adventure and especially since 2nd born cub got his license last week, his wings they are spreading.  He joined a gym and he is INTO it.  

However, every once in a while things will happen that melt this mom's heart.  Like for instance this weekend they sat down and played guitar with each other.  Dylan was teaching his big brother a System of a Down song.  Later Austin said and I quote "I love learning from my little brother"  They also checked out the jeep together and talked about how the new radiator will be going in.  That will be next weekend.  

A while back Austin decided to make homemade English muffins.  His girl had made up the dough and they didn't get to make them before she had to leave back to San Francisco so he promised her he would make them so the dough would not go to waste.  That was a gift to me because I got to visit with him while he rolled out the dough and fried them up.  By the way, they were so good!

When I get to see them together it's a really good thing.  I cherish it like you wouldn't believe.  

Even when the photograph is the tiniest bit blurry.  I love it because they are side by side. 

Below is the link to a short video and it's boring for people who don't know these boys but for those of us who do, it's just under 2 minutes of brothers playing guitar and I know there is music over top but just watching them interact was so nice.  moving memory captured here.  the word is LOVE

6/52 of Mom and her littlest and only girl

Mom and Me day!  So we had these ideas.  

First have a Valentine themed tea party in the park.  Oh we will get some amazing shots of us having our tea party!  Not so much. However we had a tremendous time with each other.  We laughed a whole bunch. And just so we can be real about this.  Abbie was not in such a great mood when I reminded her it was picture day.  I suggested this picnic in the park and she was already complaining it was too hot. However once we got there and found our shady spot and began to get silly, her mood quickly lifted. I’m positive there will be Sunday’s when I’m not feeling it either. But we will continue no matter what. 

Cindy sent us a confetti popper so then we thought we might get a good confetti shot, Abbie had switched it to video.  The girl was born with common sense I have to give it to her.  She thought we may not get the shot with one try on timer so why not video tape it.  Good call.  We gathered the confetti three more times  and tried for the still photo with absolutely no success.  So good call Abbie, the video was a great plan. 

Just before we were going to clean up we did a few close ups and Abbie’s light bulb went on.  “I have an idea mom, let’s each do half our face” And when we saw the result I said “this is it Abbie, this is our shot”  And I kept going on about how awesome it was as we cleaned up our blanket and put our dishes into the basket and which she replied “you’re welcome” and I’m not sure why but that made me laugh so hard and I gave her a high five and I could tell she was so happy it was her idea.  If you look at her one eye, you will see a tiny bit of brown....that's the part of me trying to come out in her!

I made a short video out of the clips she filmed. I love moving memories. I added in some of or photo’s from previous weeks to fill in the song and here we have a short video of our mom and me project.  It was a video I had not planned to make but since she shot some footage, it turned out that way.  I’m so glad she did. the password to view the video is LOVE  all caps.  Oh and before I forget the song is a JJ Heller Song called “when i’m with you”  and about JJ Heller, well let’s just say there will be another blog post about her this week and also a blog post about my boys.  I got a little writing material this week. 

Week 5/52 Mom and her one and only girl

This image is my favorite so far from our mother daughter project.  We are both rain girls through and through and let's face it, it's most likely because when we do get rain, it's a rare treat.  It was supposed to be raining at around 3:30 or 4:00 Sunday so we had planned to dance in the rain for our picture this week.  Only the forecast was off and we got most of our rain before noon.   Rather than can the whole play in the rain idea we went up to the school parking lot and found a puddle to play in.  It was freezing cold that water and the wind, it was so windy on Sunday and it was cold crisp wind.  Rich was so good about taking our shots, he took maybe 20 images most of which Abbie and referred to as "popping a squat"  a land tends to look like that.  We didn't want to be in the air but rather coming down into the puddle to make a big splash.  I adore this shot so very much! I love making memories with my girl.  Instead of talking about possibly printing this one, I already visited Costco's photo site and ordered a small canvas ....in color so you can see Abbie's pink sweater and pink rain boots, her favorite color.

taking stock - January

MADE: cream puffs from scratch!  They were so yummy!

COOKED:  barely anything.  Big ideas but being sick and feeling under the weather for half the month was not motivating.  We did make some homemade soups and chicken parmesan this month though.

Drank: from my homemade recycled kombucha bottle with stickers on the outside.  water.

READ: Lift by Kelly Corrigan and I'm halfway through "The Middle Place"

WANTED: so much more rain

RECEIVED: the coolest mug from my friend Alison from Minnesota.    

DECIDED:  the mother daughter project will be so much fun

WISHED:  We would get all the way better, poor Dylan is now sick.

ENJOYED:  Two meet ups with photo friends and was filled with inspiration

WONDERED:  why some people need all the control and since I don’t understand, I let go.

WORKED ON: being more mindful and living in the moments

STARTED:  finding hearts again.  They seem to be everyplace

WATCHED:  Millions and it was a very darling movie

HOPED:  love could conquer all

NEEDED: to start preparing for our DC trip in March, like buying layers of clothes and maybe even new luggage.

SMELLED:  pine candles and essential oils

WORE:   funny pants and jeans that are too tight

NOTICED:  that when I’m still things start to feel better and I can even think more clearly

KNEW:  I couldn’t really stop taking stock because I don’t seem to blog much anymore and so this seems to be a way to keep things going, that and my mother daughter project and I didn’t make a single video for January like I had imagined I might.

THANKFUL FOR: still thankful for my legs clearing up.  They have a ways to go, it was 5-1/2 years in the making, it will take time but it progresses a little more each day. I think I will be thankful each day for a very long time.

ADMIRED: friends who reach out and love even when they lead busy lives themselves.  

SORTED: bills  

BOUGHT:  a red basket and a small glass basket for my mom who collects small glass baskets

FINALLY:     Met Shannon after a few years of knowing and meeting people we mutually know but somehow never meeting each other.

DISLIKED: the feelings that come up inside me, the ones that seem completely out of my control, yet I know they are in my control.

FELT: Sick, Abbie and I both got really sick this month

SNACKED:  bananas, I ate more bananas than normal

LISTENED: 1st Wave.  I love the 80’s

DISCOVERED: my camera was on lock and I for the longest time couldn’t figure out why I had so little control while in Manual mode.  I felt so completely silly over it but wonderfully relieved I finally figured out my problem.

I think I will call her Rose

Lately I have not blogged very much.  In fact in 2015 I didn’t blog much at all.  When I first had my blog (the other one in wordpress)  I nearly blogged every single day.  It was insanity.  Who really wanted to read my daily doings any ways?  However today I found myself completely inspired by a stranger.  A stranger who no longer walks this earth.  A stranger who lived a full life to 102 years old.  

and looked...she liked Holly Hobbie too!

We went to an estate sale today.  I have been to four estate sales now in my entire life.  I have treated each one the same.  I treat them with respect and honor.  I like to imagine what their lives must have been like.  I stand in their kitchen and imagine their morning routine, how they had the view of their beautiful backyard, how the coffee must have smelt as it brewed in the morning.  I carefully pick up their things and wonder if they might find a place in my home.  Today I spent $4.50 and I got a cooking binder with handwritten recipes and newspaper clippings, I found two adorable Holly Hobbie Plaques and a stack full of blank cards.  I was so happy to imagine she must have been a letter writer too and her cards were organized in two shoe boxes.  Totally organized to birthday cards, blank cards, Easter cards and sympathy etc.  I got about 33 vintage, adorable cards plus the other things mentioned for less than five dollars.  I can’t wait to send out cards with notes to friends and family.  It will be so perfect for my project this year.  Abbie picks a Christmas card we received and I write the person/family a letter.  Now they will start to get these vintage cards and some even have scripture in them. 

I emptied out her cooking binder when I got home, that was only $1.00!  I went through her recipes and placed them in my cooking binder.  I was so taken by her handwritten ones.  They seem so special.  She had lovely handwriting too.  We found a newspaper clipping from the Los Angeles Herald-Examiner from 1968 and we decided to make the “perfect puffs”  It was so easy, we used the puff part and made our own homemade whipped cream to fill them up and drizzled chocolate over the top.  The girls said they were AMAZING.  I had never in my life made cream puffs and this woman inspired me today with her saved newspaper clipping.   We are also making Chicken Parmesan also a clipping from her binder.  

And she must have loved to dance or entertain because she had the most pretty tiny dresses hanging all about.  It would have been so nice to have met her.  

week 4 of 52

Week four and we are beyond happy to be feeling so much better than a week ago today.  We ran up quick to take in the sunset yesterday at Signal Hill.  We nearly missed it but we had such a great time trying to catch it.  Above is my favorite from the evening of four of fifty two. 

Abbie liked the next one.  I always love to include a close up and more full body shot in our weeks.  Rich asked yesterday “so how many of these are you two planning?”  I told him one each week for a whole year!  his response was “okay then, hanging off the golden state bridge is an option then”

He doesn’t like to be a part of the social media world so including his photo’s may not be as easy as I like but look how adorable this one is?

I liked this close up and I love this girl.  So far this project has been so much fun and she is all in.  

52 WEEKS OF MOTHER WITH HER ONE AND ONLY DAUGHTER. WEEK 3

I hadn’t realized that on week 3/52 Abbie and I would both be sick.  On January 14th Abbie and I shared a meal, all the way down to sipping out of the same drink.  She warned me at the time she wasn’t feeling well.  I said I wasn’t worried.  

The next day she woke with a fever and was in tears.  She was going to not only miss school but a very important date with friends she had been looking forward to for weeks.  My heart ached for her but I thought it may be just a 24 hour bug, we don’t get sick too often around here and when we do it’s short lived.  

Except for the horrible bug that captured almost all of us 5 years ago.  All but the littlest and only girl and I only had it for a short amount of time.  The boys including motorcycle man all had pneumonia that year.  Austin lost nearly 18 pounds and the boys were sick at least a good month long with numerous doctors visits.  Other than that, we just don’t seem to get very sick.

Here it is Thursday and Abbie made it to school.  I’m feeling better than I have all week.  I even vacuumed up the floors.  However I did make us an appointment to see the doctor this afternoon just to be responsible about it.  I used to tell Abbie that girls don’t get sick.  It worked for many years until she got the stomach flu while camping and couldn’t hold back.  Sometimes I do believe though we give ourselves permission to get sick.  Like we are just so tired and exhausted we give in.  I know that may sound crazy but I feel like I gave in.  We gave in.  But now I’m ready to be better.  in some ways I feel like it’s pushing a re-start button.  Of course we shed a few pounds (yippee) isn’t that always a side benefit!  We don’t have huge appetites, food doesn’t taste good.  I hope this can be the re-start we need to feed our bodies better, get some air and movement when we are fully better.  

But the best news is….I still had Rich take a picture of us while we were sick for our third image of 52 weeks.  I’m determined with this project.  I mentioned even if it was an iPhone shot, we would photograph once a week together.  I’ll share two images here.  Rich asked if we may want to close our eyes in one, it feels a little posed for being sick but it was sweet to be cuddled next to my girl.  What a blessing to be getting better, to have the medicine and health care we need to achieve wellness.  It was only a very small dose of what it’s like to not live our normal daily lives.  I missed it greatly and it gave me great empathy for those sick in the hospital for so many days they become months, kids waiting for new hearts, a friend of mine who just received a new liver and was in the hospital for all the holidays.  I can’t even begin to imagine the frustration and with my friend in particular I saw a great courage and positiveness, I think that helped her greatly not to mention her tremendous faith. It’s people like Patricia who encourage me, who make me smile and show me what real courage is.  

52 weeks of mother with her one and only daughter. week 2

Here we are week 2/52!  This project is so fun.  I love it so far and the best part, she is so very willing.  The next best part, she doesn’t even have to spend tons of time doing her hair and putting on make up, she just shows up however she feels.  I know that’s partly because of her age.  I’m holding her close and as long as possible while she is exactly like this.  And also knowing it will soon change then I will hold close the next stage in growing for as long as I can and so and and so on.  

Truth be told I changed my clothes at least 4 times before settling on these (you nailed it Aunt Mel) MC Hammer pants.  But that’s because “somehow” I have grown out of my jeans!  (Now picture big eyes bulging out of my head.)  I mean I can zip them up and bottom them but that doesn’t mean I should. You know when they seem to get a little snug they also seem to look shorter, the whole tight jeans look wasn't panning out.  The MC Hammer pants are incredibly comfortable and at least for now Abbie was okay being seen with me in them.  She did giggle lots and she did say "Are you wearing those?” but that did not stop her from taking our weekly photo together.  She lets me be me and I let her be her and I think that works out really well for us. 

Oh and I almost forgot to answer the question that Miss Moonspinner had, yes we did bring out our own chair and while I went back to the truck to retrieve it, Motorcycle man took the most adorable selfie of him and his one and only girl, equally as important as our 52 week project.  Last week we took a shot of the three of us after he helped us out.  I think we should include this guy every week too! 

And if you, whoever may be reading this has any creative ideas for mother and daughter portraits, let me know, we have 50 weeks to go.  Also if any of you mom’s….or dad’s are out there reading this, and you still have kids around, I would encourage you to give this a try because no matter how hold they are, it’s not too late.  How I wish I had been exposed to some of the workshops and community I have recently found within the past few years.  I have very few images of me with my little ones.  I have a little more with Abbie because I picked up on this when she was around 8 years old so we took a few pictures together reading with each other, doing homework and just very ordinary things around the house.  I have only a very small handful of pictures with my mom, even less with my dad. Thoughts to ponder for sure. 

I started my day with the rain

The house was quiet and I heard the rain.  So I took my camera out.  I took a few different reflection shots.  I used another for my ordinary yesterday.  I wished so much I could just stay home in the rain, have a fire, eat hot foods.  I was fighting a cold.  Essential oils, Vitamin C, will.  But it seems to have fully captured me today.  Maybe being barefoot in the rain didn't help.  I have obligations, like taking Abbie to school and going to work.  These things were done. I kept thinking of a new soup recipe and warm cookies while I did my accounting yesterday.   

 I was able to make that happen  The cookies were crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside.  They were good.  They made the house smell so sweet and cozy.  I still associate food with love.  I don't know if that will ever change.  I also made a new soup.  It was so good.  While the soup simmered I was called outside again.  The sky was so beautiful.

The naked winter trees held such a grace. 

The reflections will always amaze me, like rainbows and tall shadows, they never grow old. 

Did I tell you Rich found the other heart?  He found it in the branches he cut off, in the dark with a flash light.  He came in one night with this heart around his neck and a big smile.  He is the sweetest guy ever.  Now just one more to find in those branches and the three will be reunited again.  

 I don't really want to drive to work again today but I will.  We are supposed to have more rain today and this is something to look forward to.  I wish you well today.  

52 weeks of mom with her one and only daughter - week one

It may be a little ambitious but we have decided to photograph once a week a picture of us, mother and daughter.  This is week one.  On week one we have decided to share our words for this year.  My word is care and Abbie’s word is forgive. Abbie’s word is very personal to her. It’s not my place to share on her chosen word for 2016. I can however share with you what care means to me. 

Care to me is a word of action.  It comes with layers. I want to be able to care for my body, my mind and my spirit.  In caring for these three very important layers it will allow me to then better care for the people around me, the ones I love the ones I choose to invest in.  As a mom, we all know it’s natural to put all others before us.  I will make sure my kids have breakfast and a proper lunch yet I will skip breakfast and even lunch without a second thought.  I will encourage my kids to stay active, while I myself don’t make time to walk or stretch on a regular basis. I think in caring for myself I need to prioritize and take time to plan it out.  I want to eat breakfast on a regular basis and not skip lunch.  When I’m waiting to pick up kids instead of getting lost in social media I want to squeeze in a short walk or a chapter of a good book.  I think it’s all in the way we choose to spend our time.  I will sleep longer but then barely pull myself together for work.  I think it’s time I invest a little more on the gifts God gave me, my working body, my thoughtful mind and my spirit that yearns to be closer to Him.  It just makes sense that this year I focus on care. It’s simply time to care.  

I hope that this 52 project will be able to be completed, even if it means a iPhone picture of the two of us.  Just one time a week, a snap shot to see where we are, to check in with our plans, to see if we are achieving what we set forth to do.  I learn so much from the little woman, she seems to have a natural knack for common sense and she often has some pretty solid advice for a young person. We love to bounce ideas off each other to encourage one another.  Here we come 2016, let’s see if we can make the changes that must be made in order to forgive and in order to properly care.  

Track 13 from Metrics of Affection

taking stock December

This is the last taking stock.  I took stock each month in 2015, it’s something I seemed to be able to keep consistent with. 

MADE: We made clay ornaments

COOKED:  Does making homemade fudge for the first time count as cooking? Cinnamon rolls from scratch for Christmas morning.  

DRANK:  All the same old stuff, hot tea, coffee, wine and water.

READING: currently reading a book called “The Fringe Hours” by Jessica N. Turner

WANTED: resolution, peace…but to no avail.

RECEIVED: love, grace and good memories

DECIDED:  on my word for 2016

WISHED:  bad things could stop happening.

ENJOYED:  a beautiful beach wedding between two friends

WONDERED:  how all our family gatherings would pan out

WORKED ON: Accepting what I can’t change alone (same as last month)

STARTED:  to think about what might be new and different in 2016

WATCHED: It’s a Wonderful Life

HOPED:  Hearts would soften and things could change…still hoping

NEEDED: to care more for my body

SMELLED:  lots of sweet smelling baked goods and delicious holiday meals

WORE:   A striped dress for Christmas and my elephant skirt from Goodwill to the wedding.

NOTICED:  a feather in my path

KNEW: this project would have an ending

THANKFUL FOR: the healing, the great, great healing and my family and friends

ADMIRED: My cousin for being brave and starting her blog, it’s really wonderful  

SORTED: Christmas decorations 

BOUGHT: more things than usual this month

FINALLY:  made time in December for visits with friends and family

DISLIKED: the outcome of a really unfortunate event

FELT: like letting go may be the best solution…just LET GO, I promise it will all be okay

SNACKED:  far too much sugar

LISTENED: holiday music

DISCOVERED: that a lot can change in 5 years and sometimes not even for the better

2016 will hold new projects and will not include taking stock.  It was fun but I have new ideas, a project with my littlest an only girl, continuing the ordinary project…see it through to the end. Perhaps a little ambitious but making a monthly film may be nice and calling it “the month…at a glance”

why is ordinary so imporant?

I hate to admit that I get abnormally attached to "things"  I logically know they are just things but somehow I can pin a memory to it or tell a story about it.  These are three hearts hanging in a tree that the birds planted.  I like to adorn the tree because I have quite a collection of things and so I find spots to keep them. A tree seemed a nice spot.  I have been photographing what is somewhat ordinary around my home and I have mostly discovered that what I sort of find as ordinary can be very extraordinary. It's happened more than I expected.  The feather I found when I really needed a sign that everything would be okay.  The beach wedding, how can that be ordinary?  The kids that gather by the fire.  The miscellaneous hearts that are found in the most unlikely spots. It's all such a good reminder to pause.  To take a moment as to not miss something special that may be in our paths. I don't find all my ordinary in my home, I found it while out and about too.  In March I will be finding my ordinary in Washington DC, or New York, this should be interesting what may turn up while I'm away. 

But back to these three hearts.  The one ceramic one with the bird on it, was given to my by Gina when I visited her in Long Beach farmers market where she was selling her art.  I bought a big heart that reads "love one another"  She hugged me so tight and placed this heart in my palm.  The peace heart was given to us by Sara our peace loving friend, the one who just got married on the beach actually.  She gave it to my girl and we hung it in this tree.  The third heart I have had for over 20 years.  I saw it in a shop and had to have it.  As it turns out, motorcycle man had this big urge to chop down some of the branches off this tree.  He saw the ceramic heart and brought it to me but he said he only saw one heart.  The other two disappeared.  Maybe a bird took it and made a really magnificent nest?  Maybe it fell to the earth and is covered with fallen leafs.  I'm not sure really but they are gone for the time being.  I'm glad I took their picture.  Ordinary things don't last forever and extraordinary things don't last forever for that matter.  Painting pictures, taking pictures or storing them in our memories is always a good plan. 

community

It’s only been within the last few years that i have felt a part of a community.  But not to the fault of others, the fault is exclusively my own.  You see, I’m reserved, I’m insecure and also afraid.  These are my natural inclinations.  “they won’t think I’m smart enough”  “I have nothing to offer” and these are just a few of the thoughts that I let fill my head. It is not that I have not been invited to do things with others, women I know have invited to me to their bunko groups, in which I always say “no thank you”  that just seems like it would overload me entirely.  I have however been a part of women’s Bible study to which I’m usually the quiet one, I don’t open up very much which doesn’t give the other women much to work with.  I have always been far more of an observer in this life than a participator.  Can that change?  Of course it can change but this means I have to change. 

WHAT CAN HAPPEN IF YOU LET PEOPLE IN

I’m happy to say change has happened.   I have changed ever so slightly.  I found my community in the most unlikely spot, a place I didn’t even realize existed until I joined a photo sharing site in 2009.  I began to upload my daily photographs there and it was not immediate by any means, it actually took a few years to build relationships with other photographers.  But when I did my world changed.  I began to say YES to photo walks near my city with other local photographers but before I said yes to a big group meet up, I first said yes to our very own Meg, in this blog roll. She was the very first “stranger” yet completely not a stranger I met in person within this group of artists. The connection was very real, we already had so much in common and as we opened up with one another we realized our camera’s were not the only thing we shared.  It was quite exciting.  I mean what person can you meet for the very first time in your life who agrees to lay on the grass and talk about our similarities and then shoot a picture of ourselves doing that kind of peculiar thing but for us….it felt normal.  I had found my people. 

THE VERY FIRST PERSON I MET IN THE WORLD OF FLICKR

I’m still quite, I’m still an observer but from this tiny step of faith I have met so many other amazing people who share the same love as myself.  It’s hard to explain this to some people.  It seems strange I know but it’s very real and it has helped me to grow as a person and also as photographer. 

HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN YOU DO THIS WITH? AND THEY THINK IT'S TOTALLY SANE?

I have learned to be a part of a community it means I need to be vulnerable, I have to be honest and I have to be a little bit brave.  It’s not the people who were stopping me, it was myself.  And now I’m a part of this strange and amazing community of like minded people.  They seem to love, just love there is not a judgment over our economic status, or our religious beliefs or even our political point of views.  This community just loves.

SOME OF MY PEOPLE

It's an honor to be a part of this blog roll which if you think about it is a community in itself.  I always, always love Staci Lee's point of view and I know you will too, she shares her thoughts on  community HERE  at a Life Developing.  

ONE YEAR AGO to the day i almost quit.

And this is my story about NOT GIVING UP.  It was around spring of 2010 and I began to break out in weird bumps that I would not let alone.  I would not let them alone for so long and so consistently that I would have sores, open sores on my legs that would scab up and I would pick and pick and pick. I would wake at all hours of the night and I would pick.  I found this strange comfort in the picking, trying to make these imperfections smooth.  So many of you know my story.  I have shared it over and over and over again.  Mostly in hopes of getting some help.  There were times I felt so hopeless I literally wanted to die.   This sounds so dramatic but it's the truth.  I would rip myself up so much that it hurt, it hurt really bad and although it felt really good while I was doing it, I always ended feeling like an addict who couldn't get ahold of herself and then suffered from this great remorse.  "Maybe this will be the last time?" " Maybe it will have to get really bad and I mean the worst ever before it will be better?"  Sometimes I scratched so hard only clear sap would weep out of my sores and I would often compare my big thick legs to actual tree trunks that wept sap and were a lost cause. But since so many of my readers, friends and family know my story this is all I will say about the PAST.  And this post will be the LAST POST I make about my sore legs.

Because

I'm finally healed.  I have no more scabs or open wounds.  NONE.  I do have what looks like scarring but the doctor assures me it will heal perfectly so what I think to be scars just needs to continue to heal. It was so many years of abuse to my skin that it will take some time for them to look like new again.  But they will because I never gave up and I would always say "there is always hope"

So on the days you keep looking for the answers but the answers don't seem to come and on the days you feel like completely throwing your hands up and giving up I beg you to keep going.  Just keep going. Never, ever give up.  You will fail so many times and I mean countless times, like years of failure but if you give up then you will never reach success.  You just have to keep pushing through.  No matter what keep pushing.  Because yesterday when I saw the 3rd dermatologist and 7th doctor over all he said  and I quote "You know what a success story is?  You are a success story...YOU"  He went on to say, "what you did was hard, really hard, and a lot of people can't do it, but you did it.  And I can't believe how quickly you are healing"  I got high fives and tight hugs and I nearly cried tears of joy...only I didn't.  I saved that for when I got into the car.

I learned so much in these 6 years.  

I learned that God never once gave up on me

I learned to finally stand up for myself

I learned that addiction can come in many forms

I learned that perfection does not exist in any human

I learned that change is really, really hard

I learned that loving yourself is as important as loving others

I learned that by not giving up I finally discovered what it's like to be set free

I learned that some days would be harder than others but all days would hold a blessing

I learned who my real friends were 

I learned that when people believe in you that's awesome

BUT

really big wonderful things can happen when you believe in yourself 

I learned that God does come first but this doesn't mean He wants us to neglect self care

I can only hope too that because I experienced some discomfort, depression and some hard life lessons that I can help others by sharing my story here today and I promise from here on out we only talk about the NOW...not the past and not the future but the NOW and the now is pretty amazing today.